Lost in Others: Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
Do you get preoccupied with another person’s thoughts and feelings but struggle to understand your own?
Do you sometimes feel you don’t know where you start and where someone else ends?
You may be affected by enmeshment.
What is enmeshment?
One definition is the excessive emotional involvement with another (often parents) at the expense of social development. It often involves the belief that at least one of the enmeshed individuals cannot survive or be happy without the constant support of the other. There may also be feelings of being smothered [1].
What causes enmeshment?
Enmeshment is essentially caused when two family members have unclear boundaries between themselves, resulting in an unhealthy relationship [2].
One cause is a child with a depressed parent. Roles are reversed - instead of the child being looked after, the child is under huge pressure to look after the adult. Children are not designed for this. The terror of not having the answer then gets stored in the amygdala of their brain. They feel their life is in danger if their parent is not well. Their sole focus becomes the emotions of the people around them - not their own. Enmeshment is often unconscious.
Other possible causes include:
A parent not respecting personal space
A controlling parent
Being shamed for having feelings or thoughts
Being expected to resolve conflict between parents
Looking after a disabled parent
A parent who is extremely strict
Being expected to act beyond their biological age, e.g. asking a three-year-old to behave like a 12-year-old [3]
In an ideal world, the parent gives energy to the developing child and meets their needs - not the other way round. A healthy adult gets their needs met by other adults [3]. Parents often struggle with their own mental health and may not be aware of the consequences of their actions.
Is enmeshment a problem?
Yes, it can stop you from being sure of your own unique identity. We all have our own unique fingerprint. There is only one you, and you cannot be replaced. Giving up on yourself for others, by constantly acting for their needs over your own, can lead to low self-worth and take you away from your life purpose.
You may also often feel guilty. The disloyalty bind, stored in the amygdala, acts to keep people enmeshed [2]. The amygdala controls the HPA (Hypothalamus-Pituitary-Adrenal) axis and can trigger the sympathetic nervous system, causing panic-attack-like symptoms within milliseconds.
Enmeshment can affect future relationships, and many have an unconscious fear of intimacy or commitment.
If in a relationship, they may find themselves in a toxic dynamic, struggling to leave because they are preoccupied with the other person’s feelings - not their own.
They may feel guilty or trapped when doing something healthy for themselves. As a result, they may self-neglect, which can lead to physical health issues.
They may also avoid conflict [3].
Enmeshment may be one of the reasons why some people unconsciously isolate themselves. They may not realise they are doing this. Unfortunately, social isolation is a major risk factor for clinical depression.
They may also turn to addiction as a coping mechanism.
Any benefits?
Enmeshed individuals do have positive traits too. They often have a deep ability to attune to others [3].
They’ve learned to love unconditionally - and often bring joy and healing to others and to society.
Conclusion
Thankfully, the brain has the capacity for change. Through neuroplasticity, patterns of behaviour can shift. With the support of psychologists and trauma-informed work, enmeshment patterns can be resolved, and individuals can reclaim their identity and live happier lives, while maintaining their superpower of empathy.
References
[1] Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide – Jeffrey Young, Janet Klosko, Marjorie Weishaar (2003)
[2] Heal Yourself From Enmeshment Trauma – Thais Gibson, Personal Development School (YouTube)
[3] Enmeshment Trauma in Childhood – Inner Loop Counseling, Ava Profota (YouTube)