Lost in Others: Tips for Enmeshment Trauma (Part 2)
In Part 1 of this series, we explored what enmeshment is and how it develops. If you grew up in an enmeshed family system, you may have learned that boundaries are dangerous - that setting them leads to rejection, conflict, or abandonment. The result? Social isolation can feel safer than risking boundary violations you don't know how to handle.
This article offers practical tips for moving beyond that pattern. These aren't about becoming a social butterfly overnight. They're about building the internal clarity that makes connection feel less threatening.
Tip 1: Know your boundaries.
One important area is boundaries [1]. If our boundaries are an unknown unknown, then it makes sense to isolate instead. If you know your boundaries you can maintain them without needing the option to retreat.
So, what are possible boundaries?
Emotional
Thought
Material (possessions)
Physical
Space
Time
Finances
Tip 2: Know your emotions [2]
Emotions can be your friends. They can act as an early warning system that your boundaries may be violated. On the other hand, your emotions may cause you to overreact. Understanding your emotions provides you with useful information in helping maintain healthy boundaries.
Tip 3: Is this a reasonable request or a boundary violation?
Important question to ask yourself. For example, if someone asks you to wash the dishes. Is this equal turns? Or is someone dumping work onto you? [3] The above question is an important question that helps you react appropriately.
Tip 4: Speak up. It's okay to say no or compromise.
Your brain may guilt you to allow a boundary violation. The unconscious may try to guilt you or perhaps shame you or make you frightened [4]. The unconscious can be healed by emotions. Do you remember when you said no to a friend or colleague? That your friend or colleague respected you. That you felt loved and respected. Recall this emotional episode multiple times. Daily for a couple of weeks. The unconscious does not understand the English language or have a concept of time. It can be reprogrammed by repetition and emotions though.
Tip 5: Avoid Avoidance!
Do you have a habit of running away [3] or going quiet or don't want to talk? Could this be conflict avoidance? Or a result of feeling trapped? Know your patterns. Saying nothing may make you angry. Or in the long run affect your relationships or make you feel unseen. For example, say someone takes your personal laptop at work. (An example from Tip 1 of a material boundary violation.) Learning to be assertive helps, rather than hiding. The feedback sandwich is a good communication tool for this. When you sandwich constructive criticism in between two compliments. For example, 'I like working with you X, but that's my personal laptop and I need it back. Please ask if you want to borrow it. The job you did last week was good by the way.' They may apologize and return your laptop, which makes you happier.
Tip 6: No contact
Unfortunately, not everyone in the world respects boundaries. 1% may be afflicted by narcissistic personality disorder and regularly violate boundaries. Important to note, most people do respect boundaries. If in the above example, say X does not return the laptop despite repeated stating of your boundary. Then in order to respect yourself, you may need to create a boundary with a person and go no contact or escalate stuff to the boss. Of course, this is a big decision and depends on the specific circumstances and type of boundary violation. Physical boundary violations may mean going no contact straight away if they are violent toward you, for example, or seeking help quickly.
Tip 7: Aim for compromise. Meeting in the middle, not self-sacrifice [5].
Suppose you go to the cinema with your friend who wants to watch Avatar but you want to watch Wicked. If you are enmeshed you may just agree with your friend, but secretly be sad. A compromise may be to watch Wicked this week and Avatar next week. Then you will be happy. Your friend just wants to spend time with an interesting mysterious introvert and would be happy regardless of the film choice. If you cannot express your needs, you may choose a third option and forget friends and just socially isolate, which is not ideal.
Tip 8: Individuate
The goal is to establish connection with others that is neither too distant nor, at the other extreme, feeling fused to the other person. Acknowledge similarities and differences yet develop your own special individual identity [6].
Thanks for reading. If you found this article useful and want to support Joanna and the Mind Mastery project, please consider supporting through Patreon. If you are interested in counselling, please check out the Mind Mastery website. Thanks, friend. Till next time.
References:
[1] Joanna Zbroniec
‘How to Set Boundaries: Psychological Projections and Authenticity’. Mind Mastery. (Video YouTube)
[2] Carlotta Lazzaro
‘How to Connect With Your Emotions? | Exploring Emotions w/ Carlotta’. Mind Mastery. (Video YouTube)
[3] ‘Enmeshment trauma in childhood. Inner Loop Counseling’ Ava Profota (Video YouTube)
[4] Thais Gibson
All Insecure Attachment Styles and Enmeshment Trauma
Thais Gibson - Personal Development School’ (Video YouTube)
[5] Thais Gibson
‘Heal Yourself From Enmeshment Trauma | Family Relationship Advice & Trauma Healing
Thais Gibson - Personal Development School’ (Video YouTube)
[6] Jeffrey Young. Janet Klosko. Marjorie Weishaar.
Schema therapy. A Practitioner’s guide. 2003.